[ He's tried. Again and again he's tried. His nightmare would be to harm the innocent, to lay hands on those that don't deserve it. His hands have dealt plenty of punches, broken plenty of bones, but there was always some justification to it. They pulled the knife first. They threatened his sister. It was in the ring, controlled. He had to. He never thought about whether he wanted to.
A finger gives the occasional twitch as larger splinters are removed, but he doesn't react too much. Too used to it, thick-skinned, at least physically. Easy to conflate with emotional thickness too. ]
Like... sparring, yes? But you want the punishment of it. [ he glances at marcoh, and then looks back down at his work. bit by bit. ]
Hurting yourself is also hurting the innocent. So perhaps we find some other way to let it out, if you can't find someone to fight - so these bad feelings and snarls don't crowd up in your chest. Does that sound like something you'd want to do?
Well, I've killed many people in my time on the frontlines. Does that make me guilty here? Forever? Will you judge me for this? Shall I hold onto it forever and tell you that I'm not innocent either, as I pluck my fur from my tail?
[ Too bad this is the literal evening before thoughtshare because he definitely seems to have Some Thoughts, glancing to the side a bit, but he doesn't argue with Jiaoqiu. He pretty much never does, likes him too much to push back.
[ marcoh, your THOUGHTS. jiaoqiu watches him for a moment. ]
... I know that you don't agree. And you know that you are very welcome to talk to me, even if you think it'll make me angry with you. But that's alright, if you don't feel like it.
[ just so he knows. he finishes pulling the splinters out. ]
[ Honestly. It's true by default that he'd rather not butt heads with people, but he's also not exactly a stranger to it, and will deal with it if it happens. That being said, there's certain people he doesn't want to upset, like, ever, and Jiaoqiu is definitely one of them. ]
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[ he keeps one hand there, and the other reaches for his bag, for tweezers. he's gonna get some of these wood slivers out. ]
I don't want you to hurt yourself in turn, though.
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A finger gives the occasional twitch as larger splinters are removed, but he doesn't react too much. Too used to it, thick-skinned, at least physically. Easy to conflate with emotional thickness too. ]
I think I want to.
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You want to hurt yourself? [ still working, bit by bit. ]
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[ Words are hard. Admittance is harder. He stares hard into the grass between his fingers, the ground between them both. ]
I don't know. I don't want to hurt anybody but I feel like I might. But I don't want to -- I'd rather they hurt me back.
[ At the very, very least. ]
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Like... sparring, yes? But you want the punishment of it. [ he glances at marcoh, and then looks back down at his work. bit by bit. ]
Hurting yourself is also hurting the innocent. So perhaps we find some other way to let it out, if you can't find someone to fight - so these bad feelings and snarls don't crowd up in your chest. Does that sound like something you'd want to do?
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You know I am not innocent.
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I can't blame you for things you had to do.
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You don't have to let go or forget. But please forgive yourself just a little.
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He just nods once, small and stiff. ]
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... I know that you don't agree. And you know that you are very welcome to talk to me, even if you think it'll make me angry with you. But that's alright, if you don't feel like it.
[ just so he knows. he finishes pulling the splinters out. ]
I wish that you'd let me help you a little more.
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[ Honestly. It's true by default that he'd rather not butt heads with people, but he's also not exactly a stranger to it, and will deal with it if it happens. That being said, there's certain people he doesn't want to upset, like, ever, and Jiaoqiu is definitely one of them. ]
You are already doing a lot.
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[ a little smile, as he moves to bandage his hands properly. ]
I won't pester you. I just want you to know I'll listen.
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[ Even if it's also something-something Nihility; Jiaoqiu is generally calm, composed. ]
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[ teasing... ]
There. I think those bandages should hold.
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You are a good person, Jiaoqiu.
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[ he says, with a little smile. he doesn't always believe it, but he tries. ]
And so do you. I'm glad to try together.