[ he doesn't mind it. sort of nice, actually. the time they spent at that facility might have been hell, but all the other paripus who'd been in close quarters with them there had made it bearable, and the unavoidable touch of their tails had always been a reassuring reminder that they were still there. ]
... Earlier this week, Basilio found me wandering around as a child. He was exceedingly kind to me, and he had nothing but positive things to say about you. I was a little jealous, as an only child.
[ he pauses, and gently bats fidelio with his tail. ]
You can't always save everybody. [ ... ] You do what you can. It's important not to fall too far into guilt about what you have no possible way to prevent.
... Healers have to learn this early. Make sure you remember it, the longer you use those first aid skills of yours.
And I would never try to take it from you. I know that it's been the two of you and nobody else for a very long time. But still - that's the sort of weight that will crush you to death, if you never take a break.
[ his instinct is to say that that's fine, as long as he holds together long enough to protect him before he's crushed himself. it's still how he feels.
but he already did die once, and he knows basilio is terrified of having to watch it happen a second time. he'd miscalculated before, underestimated how much his own death would actually matter to someone else because he'd always put so little value on his own life. ]
[ god, if only fidelio knew how much jiaoqiu relates to this - but. maybe he can know. ]
When I was alive, my General was the only thing that mattered to me. Curing her was my only purpose. [ softer, more delicate - because talking about feixiao still hurts. ]
I died for her. I put myself in the way of the wolf, and made sure that she would live in exchange for my worthless life. A rotting right hand, detached from the body it served, so that the body could continue on.
[ ... ]
I understand, Fidelio. But I think - when we do these things, the weight doesn't just hurt us.
Well, let me say this much, in this vein. I enjoy having you around - your perspective is valuable to me. It isn't just Basilio that cares about your existence.
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...Yeah, I know. Thanks.
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[ ... ]
... Earlier this week, Basilio found me wandering around as a child. He was exceedingly kind to me, and he had nothing but positive things to say about you. I was a little jealous, as an only child.
I can see why he said what he did.
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Well, I can guarantee you he exaggerated whatever he said, even if he didn't mean to. Always did talk me up a lot more than I deserved.
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I mean, I try to, sure. Fat lot of good it does sometimes, though.
[ as they can both see. ]
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You can't always save everybody. [ ... ] You do what you can. It's important not to fall too far into guilt about what you have no possible way to prevent.
... Healers have to learn this early. Make sure you remember it, the longer you use those first aid skills of yours.
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He's the one I have to save!
[ he snaps a little more harshly than he really meant to, and then goes quiet. ]
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jiaoqiu is silent for a moment as well, and then he turns to fidelio entirely. ]
That's quite the weight on your shoulders.
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Don't mind bearin' it.
[ even if it's destroying him here. ]
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[ a sigh. ]
And I would never try to take it from you. I know that it's been the two of you and nobody else for a very long time. But still - that's the sort of weight that will crush you to death, if you never take a break.
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but he already did die once, and he knows basilio is terrified of having to watch it happen a second time. he'd miscalculated before, underestimated how much his own death would actually matter to someone else because he'd always put so little value on his own life. ]
...
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When I was alive, my General was the only thing that mattered to me. Curing her was my only purpose. [ softer, more delicate - because talking about feixiao still hurts. ]
I died for her. I put myself in the way of the wolf, and made sure that she would live in exchange for my worthless life. A rotting right hand, detached from the body it served, so that the body could continue on.
[ ... ]
I understand, Fidelio. But I think - when we do these things, the weight doesn't just hurt us.
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huh. their personalities are so different on the surface that he'd really never considered they might have something so substantial in common. ]
...Yeah. Sort of get that now. [ ... ] At least, more than I did.
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It's a lesson I am still learning. [ a sigh. ] It's difficult, isn't it.
[ to try and see yourself as worth something, maybe. ]
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Even when you know it in your head, 's hard to feel like it's true.
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[ his tail swishes back and forth, thoughtfully. ]
Shall we try together, even so? If not for ourselves, for Basilio?
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And I mean— I am tryin', not bein' as reckless as I used to be.
[ he at least held himself back from jumping into the fray last trial, even if he came close to it. ]
Just... any time it comes down to me or him, if it can't be both of us, it's still always gonna be him.
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I understand. [ genuinely. if it were feixiao - if it was jing yuan, and he did try, there. ]
I'm sure I don't have to tell you how that makes him feel.
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Well, let me say this much, in this vein. I enjoy having you around - your perspective is valuable to me. It isn't just Basilio that cares about your existence.
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[ another little tail bump. ]
Now, come with me and help me make food for your brother, hm?
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he glances back toward basilio for a moment, but then nods. ]
All right.