I told you already. I'm sad that you thought that something I struggle with was something you thought appropriate to use to hurt me in front of other people.
[ he finds it hard to tell if it's sincere because the way it was worded did not sound like it was, but jiaoqiu isn't going to force him to do any convincing. it's not really worth it. ]
I was hoping you would explain to me why you're angry with me rather than making me play a guessing game.
Is it because you were stopped? Is it because I keep coming back? Is it because you really think that I cannot possibly understand what it's like to lose someone that is holding you together?
Uruha said to read your letters. In case you did not see.
[ He's mad at everyone. He's mad at Anders for bonking him with his great stick. He'd mad at Siffrin for the level of severity of what he'd done. For going after Uruha. For everyone for, as far as he feels, overlooking the horrors because it was possession. At Uruha for forgiving the person. For not fighting back. For leaving him a flower. For saying goodbye. All of these thoughts Jiaoqiu can pick up as he pleases while Marcoh buries the ends of his palms over his eyes, not even cleaned.
And they'll be back tomorrow and he'll be expected to welcome them back, won't he. Brush all this under the rug, because they have a bigger goal to meet, a common enemy to unite against, forget about it. How is he supposed to look at Uruha without thinking of his corpse? Look at Siffrin without thinking of their mental screaming NOT. YOU. And he'll be called an asshole for it, isn't Jiaoqiu already basically calling him one now? ]
[ ear flick. he's not saying marcoh is an asshole - he's always been very clear with things like that, unafraid to say so. though of course marcoh is free to think what he wants. ]
I cannot apologize on the behalf of the others. I can only decide if an apology is appropriate for me to give, but I will not blindly say I'm sorry.
[ his voice is calm and even. ]
You have not reacted this way in previous weeks. Does it only matter this much because it was Uruha? Would it have made it better to repay senseless violence with senseless violence?
[ well, that's an answer at least, he'll take it. thinly: ]
Are you trying to argue that killing someone of your own volition and ruining your chances of going back to your sister was good for you? Have you not spent weeks telling me that you don't want to hurt people?
She's not. Or did you give this same, "you just ruined your chances of redemption" type talk to every single executioner that's been up there? To Yves and Yoji both? Brought up their old wounds?
I did not say you did. I said if you had killed Siffrin outside of the execution you might have. [ firmly. ] The execution is not what I'm talking about. Otherwise I'd be worried about myself, as well. Uruha and Yves were killed and sent to heal, and so this situation does not apply to them.
We would have had to kill you. We would have had to vote for you, had you killed Siffrin during trial. You understand how this would have been upsetting, yes?
Someone would have had to stand up there and execute you.
If you're come to scold me about a hypothetical then I have nothing to say. I don't know if you want me to apologise, or say I won't do it again, but it's past.
I was trying to explain to you why we stopped you, because you said we decided what was best for you. Because we care about your future. I don't need you to do either of those things.
I am not intending to scold you. [ he brings a hand up to rub at his face. ] I am... trying to hold out my hand, as always. Perhaps I am doing a poor job of it.
[ He turns his gaze away again. His room has a few string lights, courtesy of picking up someone else's leftovers at that event so long ago. It was so, so long ago -- somehow. He stares at one and its dim light. ]
I got it, Jiaoqiu. It was the tactical thing to do.
[ It makes logical sense, but he's still angry enough that he can't just sincerely answer 'thanks for stopping me'. Not when he closes his eyes and sees the nature of the body, the implications of it. Jiaoqiu isn't in danger of being socked right now -- the air lacks the tension Marcoh's exuded the last two days, but he's no happier for it. ]
... I don't think any of us were thinking tactically. That is far too clinical of a word. I wasn't. I was concerned for you.
[ that's genuine. a little softer. he's at least glad he isn't in danger of getting destroyed, but like - he's never really been all that scared of that, ever. ]
I am sorry. I wish that I could have done more for you. I couldn't follow on Friday, and I regretted that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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If anything, I should be angry with you.
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Then be angry. I don't care.
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I'm not angry with you. I'm sad. [ ... ] But I suppose I don't feel emotions, do I. So perhaps I'm lying.
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If you're angry about what I said to you, then I'm sorry.
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You really must believe that I'm not angry. And I don't want an apology you don't mean, in any case.
Is this how you handle conflicts with friends? By being sullen and expecting me to read your mind? Literally, in this case.
Or are we not friends any longer?
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I hardly think this counts as just a conflict. [ The scales are like. Way more dire. ] I haven't said anything of the sort.
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[ tail flick. ]
You haven't said anything, is my point.
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[ If Jiaoqiu thinks that's not sincere, well. He's kind of not in the mood to argue or try to convince someone he's sorry. ]
What were you hoping I'd say?
[ Frankly, this a hell of a lot more words than he was willing to say the other day. ]
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I was hoping you would explain to me why you're angry with me rather than making me play a guessing game.
Is it because you were stopped? Is it because I keep coming back? Is it because you really think that I cannot possibly understand what it's like to lose someone that is holding you together?
Uruha said to read your letters. In case you did not see.
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[ He's mad at everyone. He's mad at Anders for bonking him with his great stick. He'd mad at Siffrin for the level of severity of what he'd done. For going after Uruha. For everyone for, as far as he feels, overlooking the horrors because it was possession. At Uruha for forgiving the person. For not fighting back. For leaving him a flower. For saying goodbye. All of these thoughts Jiaoqiu can pick up as he pleases while Marcoh buries the ends of his palms over his eyes, not even cleaned.
And they'll be back tomorrow and he'll be expected to welcome them back, won't he. Brush all this under the rug, because they have a bigger goal to meet, a common enemy to unite against, forget about it. How is he supposed to look at Uruha without thinking of his corpse? Look at Siffrin without thinking of their mental screaming NOT. YOU. And he'll be called an asshole for it, isn't Jiaoqiu already basically calling him one now? ]
I read it afterwards.
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[ ear flick. he's not saying marcoh is an asshole - he's always been very clear with things like that, unafraid to say so. though of course marcoh is free to think what he wants. ]
I cannot apologize on the behalf of the others. I can only decide if an apology is appropriate for me to give, but I will not blindly say I'm sorry.
[ his voice is calm and even. ]
You have not reacted this way in previous weeks. Does it only matter this much because it was Uruha? Would it have made it better to repay senseless violence with senseless violence?
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[ Fine then. There. It's broad, but it's not inaccurate to how he feels. ]
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Are you trying to argue that killing someone of your own volition and ruining your chances of going back to your sister was good for you? Have you not spent weeks telling me that you don't want to hurt people?
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[ He may be tired but he says this quite testily. ]
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Why? She's relevant.
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I do not understand the point of this talk.
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We would have had to kill you. We would have had to vote for you, had you killed Siffrin during trial. You understand how this would have been upsetting, yes?
Someone would have had to stand up there and execute you.
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If you're come to scold me about a hypothetical then I have nothing to say. I don't know if you want me to apologise, or say I won't do it again, but it's past.
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I was trying to explain to you why we stopped you, because you said we decided what was best for you. Because we care about your future. I don't need you to do either of those things.
I am not intending to scold you. [ he brings a hand up to rub at his face. ] I am... trying to hold out my hand, as always. Perhaps I am doing a poor job of it.
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I got it, Jiaoqiu. It was the tactical thing to do.
[ It makes logical sense, but he's still angry enough that he can't just sincerely answer 'thanks for stopping me'. Not when he closes his eyes and sees the nature of the body, the implications of it. Jiaoqiu isn't in danger of being socked right now -- the air lacks the tension Marcoh's exuded the last two days, but he's no happier for it. ]
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[ that's genuine. a little softer. he's at least glad he isn't in danger of getting destroyed, but like - he's never really been all that scared of that, ever. ]
I am sorry. I wish that I could have done more for you. I couldn't follow on Friday, and I regretted that.
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I don't know how many times I need to tell you that I did not want you to until you listen.
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... Yes, alright. [ he understands, but it still makes him sad. ]
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