...I just wanted to find it before someone else died because of them.
[ something about being told he's allowed to grieve, though... it cuts into the steadiness he's been trying to hold onto. forces him to take a deep, rattling breath. ]
I... I knew Akihiko might have done something yesterday - when he said he fought skeletons or whatever. I just didn't want to believe it.
[ he pauses for a moment, and then carefully his tail settles around laurence like a weighted blanket. ]
I had my suspicions as well, when he came to me to show me his wounds. [ ... ] When it was Neverah, I also did not want to believe it. I'm sure you saw. I walked away, because I couldn't bring myself to confront her.
It is okay to not be brave about losing the people you care about, all the time.
[ the tail surprises him again, but... it's a comfort. he's still not used to something like this, to someone reaching out and genuinely meaning it. the only one who ever really did was iris. it makes him all the more grateful for it now. ]
It's exhausting. Caring about someone, deciding you can trust them, and then... they're dead, or they turn out to be a murderer. [ like charlie, neverah, jing yuan... so many of them. ] Zhongli said I should lean on the others, but it's hard when this keeps happening.
Is it always like this, outside of the Tower? Never knowing when someone will get hurt?
[ being possessed counts as being hurt, too, he thinks. ]
... It is always like this. You never know who might hurt you. But you also never know when you might meet someone who changes your life. If you close yourself off to it, you'll never experience the best parts of life.
[ there's a weight to his words - something old and exhausted. ]
You cannot give up all of the bad without also giving up all of the good. And what sort of life is a completely neutral one, hm? That hurts more than anything.
[ can't really hide a sneaky bit of fondness as he says that.
but it's overtaken with unease as jiaoqiu continues. it's terrifying, to think that this is just how it is. that life is full of so many uncertainties, that nothing is as safe as he was raised to believe it could be. people really live like this every day?
subconsciously, he leans a little closer to jiaoqiu. even a little bit of safety would be nice, if this is how life has to be. ]
I don't want to give up the good things. And I think most of the people here are good. It's just... scary. Knowing that they could die or- or lose themselves like that, and we still can't do anything about it.
[ he leans a little closer, and jiaoqiu shifts, resting a hand on his back. he's allowed to lean if he wants. ]
It is. [ trust him, he knows. knowing that the only way to help these people is to let them die is a nightmare for a healer. but... ]
Jing Yuan sent me a message. He told me to think of him as my patient, still. That I cured him, and that he is recovering because of what I did. [ ... ] I think expelling him was the scariest thing I've ever done. But he's alright, somewhere.
[ that really does sound like a tough thing to tell anyone, let alone someone who's entire job is keeping people alive? there's a pang of sympathy. ]
...It was scary just to see. Having to live it... I can't imagine. [ horrifying. ] It's good that they're somewhere safe where they can heal, and I know we're supposed to see them again sometime, but... how they have to get there is still awful. It still hurts everyone on both sides.
[ focusing on a positive future is a little hard when it's so painful in the moment. ]
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he comes to sit, and places the apples in his lap. ]
Laurence. [ soft, easy. ] You should eat.
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[ but there's a thread of gratitude, and he accepts the apples anyway with a muttered thanks. ]
...Sorry we still don't have an answer.
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Don't apologize to me. There's time for answers in the future. Tonight you are allowed to grieve.
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[ something about being told he's allowed to grieve, though... it cuts into the steadiness he's been trying to hold onto. forces him to take a deep, rattling breath. ]
I... I knew Akihiko might have done something yesterday - when he said he fought skeletons or whatever. I just didn't want to believe it.
[ let alone firefly. ]
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I had my suspicions as well, when he came to me to show me his wounds. [ ... ] When it was Neverah, I also did not want to believe it. I'm sure you saw. I walked away, because I couldn't bring myself to confront her.
It is okay to not be brave about losing the people you care about, all the time.
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It's exhausting. Caring about someone, deciding you can trust them, and then... they're dead, or they turn out to be a murderer. [ like charlie, neverah, jing yuan... so many of them. ] Zhongli said I should lean on the others, but it's hard when this keeps happening.
Is it always like this, outside of the Tower? Never knowing when someone will get hurt?
[ being possessed counts as being hurt, too, he thinks. ]
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[ firmly. ]
... It is always like this. You never know who might hurt you. But you also never know when you might meet someone who changes your life. If you close yourself off to it, you'll never experience the best parts of life.
[ there's a weight to his words - something old and exhausted. ]
You cannot give up all of the bad without also giving up all of the good. And what sort of life is a completely neutral one, hm? That hurts more than anything.
no subject
[ can't really hide a sneaky bit of fondness as he says that.
but it's overtaken with unease as jiaoqiu continues. it's terrifying, to think that this is just how it is. that life is full of so many uncertainties, that nothing is as safe as he was raised to believe it could be. people really live like this every day?
subconsciously, he leans a little closer to jiaoqiu. even a little bit of safety would be nice, if this is how life has to be. ]
I don't want to give up the good things. And I think most of the people here are good. It's just... scary. Knowing that they could die or- or lose themselves like that, and we still can't do anything about it.
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It is. [ trust him, he knows. knowing that the only way to help these people is to let them die is a nightmare for a healer. but... ]
Jing Yuan sent me a message. He told me to think of him as my patient, still. That I cured him, and that he is recovering because of what I did. [ ... ] I think expelling him was the scariest thing I've ever done. But he's alright, somewhere.
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[ that really does sound like a tough thing to tell anyone, let alone someone who's entire job is keeping people alive? there's a pang of sympathy. ]
...It was scary just to see. Having to live it... I can't imagine. [ horrifying. ] It's good that they're somewhere safe where they can heal, and I know we're supposed to see them again sometime, but... how they have to get there is still awful. It still hurts everyone on both sides.
[ focusing on a positive future is a little hard when it's so painful in the moment. ]
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[ it hurts, but he appreciated jing yuan trying to make him feel better about killing him. ]
You're right, of course. It is a terrible method. Like leeches or bloodletting in general, there is so much pain before there's a recovery.
[ gently, he rubs laurence's back. ]
Remember that you can lean on all of us, alright? It's difficult to ask for help, but it isn't shameful.